Afraid to Speak

My throat chakra is closed.

I am working on opening it up. That is, I suppose, the purpose of this post.

Psychologically, the cause/effect is that I am often afraid to speak, and hold back my opinions, thoughts, and desires; at least those which I imagine will cause some offense or upset. Perhaps this originated in my childhood, when I grew accustomed to the futility of voicing opinions to closed minds. Some of that was definitely real, and some of that expectation for rejection and conflict over any stated independent thought may have been only imagined. In any case, I withdrew.

I’m probably pretty terrible at communicating, now. Worse than I think, I think. There are probably many thoughts I have which others might benefit from knowing about. I don’t imagine myself to know the Ultimate Question,1 but when reading my own writing I find that there are often many thoughts between the words written, which are not conveyed. In A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle suggests withholding opinions as an exercise to let ego diminish, and that is good. I think, though, that I have been out of balance for a long time, in the opposite direction. He also says that awakening doesn’t mean letting everyone walk on you, and I think it may be time for me to work on that.

When I’m not afraid my words will upset someone I often feel like voicing an opinion or even relaying news would be superfluous, since the same sentiments or information can be found elsewhere. That is why posts here are so infrequent. Other times I don’t say or post something for fear of ridicule. My pain-body has no qualms about even the most irrational opinions, but that’s not what I’m talking about.

I don’t feel like publishing this post to the blog. I feel sure that in its current form it will upset some people, that it doesn’t convey what I intend perfectly and that some will take it as an accusation. I’m posting it anyway.

Here is an example of a comment I didn’t make because I expected it to elicit scorn: on Monday, this article appeared on The Escapist. To save you a click, it says that the Pentagon is interested in trying to use video games as training tools in order to reduce infantry battlefield casualties, which account for 80% of war casualties since World War II.

My comment would have been that it seems a better way to reduce battlefield casualties would be to reduce the number of battlefields. And along with it, the number armies. I was thinking of going so far as to say they should consider investing in a video game for elected officials which encourages them to find alternatives to war.

Read the comments on that article and you may be able to understand why I felt my comment would get a negative response. Then again, theultimateend posted a similar comment:

If you really want to cut back on casualties in war. Stop going to war with everyone that so much as sneezes.

What’s the point of having a complex political body if we are just going to kill everyone.

So perhaps it would merely have been ignored, as that was.

Anyway it wouldn’t have made a difference, since no one from the Pentagon will read that comment thread and even if they did, such a comment would change nothing. The military-industrial-congressional complex isn’t actually interested in reducing war or even war casualties. Rather their vested interest is to make war more attractive, and “safer” is one way to do that. Also, “fun,” as they attempt to add video games to the industrial part of the equation as a recruitment tool.

That is one example of an opinion I have withheld. There are many more. For instance, my dad may not have known (until reading this post) that the reason I never even considered working at Lockheed is because I don’t want to work for a defense contractor, even on projects which are not related to war. Of course, I ended up working for a large technology conglomerate which does provide solutions to the defense industry (though I don’t work directly on them), so I guess the joke is on me there.

But I digress. Regardless of whether it would make a difference, it seems balancing my throat chakra requires that I voice personal truths. Letting go of ego means ceasing to cherish opinions, including my own. But it is not a vow of silence.

So: I will endeavor to withhold less, though I may be afraid to do so. And I will also endeavor to listen to others with an open mind.

  • Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
    Winston Churchill

This may mean I post here more frequently. We’ll see. This post is a start.

  1. To which the answer is, “42.”

One thought on “Afraid to Speak”

  1. I’ve pondered your post for sometime now and you know, Elias, you are no different than anyone else in dealing with insecurities. What you feel, right or wrong, is entirely up to you to decide. I know your father knows and appreciate that very very much, in fact, I’m sure he is very proud of who you are and what you have done with yourself. Your Dad never had all the answers to life and probable never will but it never stopped him from trying to be the best father he knew how to be. Did he fall short of the mark, yes, but I’m sure there isn’t a moment that goes by that he hasn’t attempted to improve. I’m, also, sure he regrets many things he has done in his life which if there was a possibility for a do-over he would jump at that opportunity. Life is precious and can be seen from many different angles.

    Your unique perspective has always been valued.

    God Bless, Kyle

Leave a Reply