Lost

I’m looking for the purpose of my life. Have you seen it?

No? Ok, thanks anyway.

Is it egoistic not to be satisfied with working forty hours a week and being a parent and husband because I want to do more, to create something that has the potential to improve the world in some more significant way? Yeah, probably.

I’ve had mild but chronic depression for something like twenty years. (I’m in therapy now and taking medicine that is helping. If you don’t have one, you should find a good therapist, too. Even if you don’t need it, it can’t hurt.) I’ve also been told many times that I’m smart, that I have a lot of potential, that I’m a wizard and I’ll change the world. That sounds good to me; I want to be that. If that were true, then the resources expended to sustain my life will not have been wasted, right?

So yeah, part of it is based on flawed, selfish depression-reasoning. Not all of it, though; there are a lot of legitimate problems in the world I would like to do something about. I have ideas for ways to improve some things, and for novels and games to make.

Why do I feel lost, then?

I’ve been told that I read too much, and let what I read influence me too much. That I have to regain my faith in myself.

So I don’t know how much of what I believe and want to do is from me and how much is from others (obviously there will always be some influence from others, that’s how creativity works). And obviously I’ve never finished a side project (novel, game, or othwerise), so there’s no evidence I’m even capable of doing so. What if that’s because I have been working on the wrong things?

What am I supposed to be doing?

Almost every book I read, show I watch, and game I play gives me ideas for one or more things to create. Am I even supposed to be creating anything? There’s no way I could ever do all these things.

Maybe my talents are a good indicator of what I should be doing. People who have changed the world have generally been adept in the skills they used to do it, right? I’m pretty good at programming, writing, and drawing. Video games combine the three areas. Other things might, also.

But that’s not good enough. I won’t be able to follow through and finish something on that kind of scale with just the idea that it’s something that fits my skill set. I need something I know deep down is what I am supposed to be doing.

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